There once was a
vegetarian vampire named Seth. Seth only ate beets—or more accurately, sucked
juice out of beets.
Seth loved
tomatoes, but was allergic to them and would get itchy all over whenever he
tried to suck tomato juice. He liked carrot juice, but it turned his skin
orange so he usually avoided it. And most other vegetables were so starchy that
he couldn’t get any juice out of them with his vampire fangs. He had to use a
juicer and it always made a big mess to clean up. Beets were just easier. After
all, nothing bled like a beet. If you ever tried to squeeze the juice out of a
turnip then you probably understand.
One evening,
right after sunset, Seth was shopping at his local food co-op when he met a
beautiful employee stocking produce. He didn’t notice her at first because local
organic beets were on sale and he was busy filling his cart with them. She
noticed him, though.
“Nice cape,” she
said from behind.
Seth looked up
and was immediately drawn to her beautiful, slender neck (even though he was
vegetarian, all vampires have a thing for necks). Then he saw her long,
jet-black hair, her pale complexion and her slender fingers delicately stacking
a pyramid of avocados.
Seth knew he was
in love. In a flash, he imagined their whole life together. He saw himself
spending long nights walking through dark alleys with her, caressing her neck
and impressing her by turning into smoke. His senses tingled when he thought
about tucking into a double-sized coffin with her at dawn. He even had a glimpse
of their future family, with little vampire babies turning into bats and flying
around the room while they sat together and watched Conan O’Brien. And the best
part was, she worked at the food co-op so she was probably vegetarian-friendly.
That was a dealbreaker for Seth because he thought meat was really gross and
even the sight of it made him feel sick.
“Um… thanks,”
Seth said, then took a quick glance at her nametag. “Nicole. Thanks Nicole.”
She grinned at
him and nodded toward his shopping cart. “It looks like you really like beets.”
“Sure d-do,” he
said with a little stutter. He hadn’t felt this nervous in centuries! “Do you,
um… like beets?” As soon as he said it he felt like an idiot.
But she only
smiled wider. “I do,” she said. “Being a vegetarian and working in the produce
department, it’s hard not to like them. They’re actually one of my favorite
vegetables.”
Seth’s heart would have leapt out of his
chest if it were still beating! This woman was clearly his soul mate—if he had
a soul—and he had no doubt they were meant to spend the rest of their lives
together—if he was alive.
“Although,” she continued,
“they’re not my all-time favorite vegetable. That would have to be garlic.”
Seth froze in
shock. “Garlic?” he repeated.
“Yep, garlic for
sure,” she said. “I eat more garlic than anything. Actually, I don’t enjoy a
meal without garlic, even beets. I really drown them in it, and I won’t eat
them any other way.”
Seth felt as
though someone shoved a giant oak stake through his heart. Without another
word, he walked away from her and his cart of beets and kept going right out of
the co-op. His castle was ten miles away, but he walked the whole way there
without flying. When he made it home, he just sat on the drawbridge and stared
at the crocodiles in the moat. He almost didn’t even bother to go inside at
sunrise, but at the last minute he pulled himself together and dragged his feet
through the door.
Oh well, he thought to himself as he
settled into his coffin. I guess she wasn’t
the one. Maybe next time…
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